User:Captain Cornflake
From Zelda Wiki.org
I am awesome. That is all you need to know about me.
Owner and webmaster of VG Resource Center and ZeldaInformer. Oh, and I'm a sysop here, too.
Contents |
Life Bio
Now this is a story, all about how, my life got flipped turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute, don't go nowhere jew
And I'll tell you how I became the prince of a board called 'ZU'
In southern New England, born and raised, on the Internet is where I spent most of my days
Chillin out, ranting, and trolling the tools, while shooting down dumbasses who thought they were cool
And with a couple of trolls, with the rules we ignored, started making trouble on a message board
We post one little meme and the mods got scared and said "You're not going to get away with that shit from Bel-Air!"
ZU Bio
The Capn is ZU's most famous member, being the only internet celebrity on the board, and is also critically acclaimed for his clever and effortless ownages on the forums throughout the second half of his tenure on the forums. He is also one of three people on ZU who is not gay. However, every story has a beginning at some point, and that is where I will begin.
Beginnings
Contrary to popular belief, Capn has been around long before Zelda Universe existed, and has been there the whole time. The fact the registration date on his forum profile says "April 2003" is just a lie. He was there before Lars had a chance to look at the forums he had just created. In fact, through a miraculous showing of magic, php scripting, and bourbon, created Lars' forum account and set the administrator password. Being the kind person he was, he used his thoughts to transmit the password into Lars' brain. This was confirmed in a later autobiography written by Lars:
- And then, just as I was about to cry myself to sleep, I heard a magical word: Rosebud. It beckoned me to my computer, upon where I entered it in, and it let me onto my forums! - Lars Christian Simonsen, from the autobiography Rhino Horn Stockpile Management: A Lars Story
Once upon a time, phpBB was a horribly coded pile of trash. Actually, that was all the time. Word of advice, kids, and that's never use phpBB. Despite his almost supernatural presence on the site, going about and downloading all the images from ZU onto school computers for no apparent reason at all other than to just download them, the shoddily coded forum system couldn't detect awesomeness through a sixth sense like other forum members could. They knew something great was there, and they clamored to see it. However, upon going to reveal himself to this world, he discovered that phpBB required him to register, putting him on the same level of status as the peons. Upon hitting the 'register' button, the forums couldn't take the sheer load of greatness, and crashed for 2 months. Simply put, it could not handle the strain. Upon this, Lars decided it would be time to get vBulliten. After the installation, a flood of people had their registration dates changed, and were each bribed with being allowed to live, in order to cover up this strange, yet predictable, happening.
Changes
Throughout August of 03 until about April of 04 that the Capn sat about, just being there. It was then that he realized that being there wasn't good enough. The occasional post and such didn't do much. It was time for a change. Unfortunately for one man, the change was going to take its first victim.
That 1 man was big_al, a weeny democratic crybaby who whined incessently about how much he disliked George Bush and the Republican party. A liked newb, he somewhat was, but not for much longer, when Capn pounced (along with fellow conservative Bobslob) on one of his threads whining about Bush, in a fierce display of ownage. This developed his taste for blood, and the days of being a peaceful and kind person was over. Somewhat.
Some notable things happened in the next few months. First off, big_al changed his name to Squall15, simply because big_al had so much shame attatched to the name he had to abandon it, thanks to Capn's subsequent efforts. However, it wasn't enough as Squall's rampant liberal brainlessness was exposed to the community, earning him that season's 'Biggest Asshole' award. His credibility was down the drain, and stayed low for awhile after that. Later on, he would change his name to 'Nox,' and thanks to Capn's indirect training, became a productive member and an assistant to his trolling that would become so popular later on.
Another thing happened, and that was in July of 04, when Capn created his very first duplicate account, Hornball Harry at his friend Ben's house. (Who some people may also know as Skeletor on VGRC.net) Together, they wreaked havok for 3 good hours, causing chaos and making fun of perpetual dumbass, Zelink, who at the time had a fascination with hidden Java compilers in the forum code, which he believed would allow people to use high-tech programming languages in their signatures. Another good portion of posts was spent playfully messing around with then moderators SearanoX (who is now an Admin) and The Merchant (who has since dissapeared off the face of the earth) Though Hornball Harry was banished, it served as a powerful learning tool for the Capn.
Random Stuff Happens
Late summer and early fall 04 was marked by Capn becoming a regular in the #zelda IRC channel. It was here he grew to know everybody. Namely Hindmost, who he would set as a role model of sorts.
This time was also marked by a brief tenure working for a site called Zelda X. Of course, his talents were too great, and left on extremely negative terms, including threatening the webmaster with a lawsuit for copyright infringement in order to have all the grand amounts of work he did taken down.
It was fall of 2004 that Capn's healthy mentality started to degrade, after the arrival of what he referred to as "a flood of people that deserve to be punched in the neck." And thus, Capn's new role in the community was formed, especially after making 1000 posts and earning a custom rank, which he set to 'Puncher of Necks' in order to let everybody know that the only man on ZU who had the authority to punch people in the neck was indeed Captain Cornflake, the Puncher of Necks. After the banning of Kedsy, and later on Hindmost, he found himself as the unlikely 'hero' of the boards. Many members proclaimed Capn's unique style of pissing people off and shutting people up so grand, that he is the reason for every member who signed up that never posted, for never posting. (Scientific evidence proves that everybody who signed up before Capn and never posted could actually predict the future. In an interview in the Plok-Fleaman Magazine, one man who signed up in May of 2002 and never posted, claimed that the night he registered, he fell asleep, and had an out of body experience where he saw a giant cornflake spanking his lifeless body with a 2x6) Most people on the forums noticed that a large portion of Capn's posts were trolling in many senses, which included harassment of Zelink, 8bit, and hundreds of other members he can't remember. Serious Discussion was soon closed down, under the claim people were too immature. However, the real deal was that whenever Capn made a post, it was so awesome that it caused the server to go offline for 5 minutes.
It was also around spring 05 that Capn befriended milk, who was one of the few new users that signed up in 2005 that understood the majority of the community needed to be smacked. "Funnier Than Cancer," Capn's infamous rank, appeared around this time, pissing people off whose relatives had died due to cancer.
A Degrading Sanity
As the number of users was reaching the tens of thousands, Capn went through a nervous breakdown. Displeased with his frequent going to ZU, and his hatred to the majority of the users, he spammed a thread with tons of image macros from his imfamous Photobucket album. Warnings quickly accumulated, and he was given a temporary ban. He restructured his internet life, spending more time posting on Hooligans of the Night (Which he viewed as a much more intelligent community, lacking a population of 13 year olds, and everybody being so mature yet laid back that moderation is rarely necessary) and working on his own site. However, for some reason, the temp ban was revoked, leaving Capn struggling to break the habit of going back to ZU. After a mere 2 weeks, and plenty of pestering from members like Nox and Leminnes, he made a glorious return, of what many people would recognize as the second coming. However, it was apparent his mind was in a severe state of unrest.
Around this time marked the arrival of Capn's infamous ZU Death List, which was a long txt file containing all the names of members who needed to die. With the help of #zelda, a hefty list was comprised of many people whom nobody could stand.
One of the standout moments of the summer was the so-called 'war' that a bunch of InvisionFree forums declared on ZU, thanks to Capn's trolling in the advertising forum. The spark was lit at last, when Capn made some remarks about one forum which happened to belong to a member by the name of 'fortuneshiek.' While some of his posts in the thread were deleted, fortuneshiek's gigantic outrage, as well as many of the hate PM's he sent to Capn, were enough to warrant a ban, being the first member Capn had actually trolled so much that their reaction caused them to get banned and Capn go scot-free.
This set off what many people recall as 'unbridled idiocy wrapped in horse shit,' as fortuneshiek cried to his InvisionFree friends at a forum nobody liked by the name of 'Masters of Hyrule.' Members there had made duplicate accounts on ZU and protested FS's banning, spamming the advertising board, and whining about Capn being allowed to continue trolling ZU (though technically, no rules were being broken on his part) Investigation of the Masters of Hyrule forum revealed that they believed that they were at jihad against the ZU forums. However, all it boiled down to was a bunch of whiney 13 year olds who had no lives. Within a few weeks, it all died down, though everybody quit caring long before that.
The 'Troll to 2000' marathon was simple: Capn would troll his was to 2000 posts. And it was a raving success, with roughly 85% of his posts from June to August being what many would use as a template to success. He would secretely confide that he more or less felt expected to do this. Near the end of August, internet salvation would come in the form of another ban, which stuck. Since then, Capn's involvement with the forums would be minimal.
Fun in the Fall
It was in mid-October that Capn decided that things were too boring. People were getting, well, dummified. With well over 25 thousand members, 12 year olds were signing up in droves, with horrid additudes and giant egos. SPANKER OF MEN was the result of that, and it was part of a massive 3-pronged attack that to this day lives in infamy.
- Part 1: SPANKER OF MEN (Capn) would derail topics. And things had progressed since the days of Hornball Harry. N00bs were shot down in flames, egos were trashed, the SD board was rampaged, and overall, a giant mess was made.
- Part 2: milk, since Capn's earlier banning, had progressed quite a bit in the harshness department. People were yelled at, often without reason at all. It was this unpredictability he had that almost put him on the same level as Capn. Almost.
- Part 3: The main entree. The infamous Hacking Scare, upon which 4 retards were flooding the board with posts about how a friend of theirs was going to hack ZU. After the mods had calmed everything down, Capn (under the AIM screename fetusman4711) IM'ed justin3, claiming to be a friend of the hacker, who was going to hack and destroy ZU. To show he was serious, 'fetusman' 'hacked' Capn's site, VGRC.net, which was actually Capn replacing the homepage to look like somebody hacked it, to this page The goal, however, was not to scare, ZU, oh no. It was to own justin3 and his little friends. And justin3 fell right into Capn's trap: He posted another thread on ZU However, Capn was prepared. He swapped the home page again, to this page, revealing the truth! Chaos ensued, causing justin3 to write up a giant paragraph of cuss words and sexual innuendo. This last thread was locked, and soon afterward, both the SPANKS account, as well as milk, were banned.
Back again?
In January 2006, Capn returned briefly to troll with Emperor Hindmost. Serious discussion was raided, as was the Advertising board, in which he used his immense skill at web design to berate newbs who thought their InvisionFree forum was going to be the next IGN.
Justin3 has been a continued target of Capn's major Post-August trolling attacks. One such time was the infamous Justin3 Pretends to Cyber with 13 Year Olds incident, which is just as pathetic as the title makes it out to be, and thanks to Capn's ingenous undercover work, exposed it. (You can read the project log by Clicking Here)
In mid-March 2006, reports of Justin3 impersonating Capn over AIM began spreading through the internet. Evidently, he thought he could pass as The Capn despite having a horrible vocabulary and a screename that Capn wouldn't be caught dead with. To combat this, an account was created on ZU for the sole purpose of humiliating Justin3. A thread was found, where J3 actually (and quite pathetically) tried to own Kagun/Wind (which is pretty hard to fail at in the first place) and Capn pounced! Read the archived thread Needless to say, Justin3 was reminded who was the boss in the relationship, and wisely decided to quiet down.
A few other accounts have also popped up since, with Capn making just a few posts for each.
April Fools Day Hijinks
In celebration of April Fools Day, Capn had a prank in mind. That prank was write up a fake story on the Xbox 360 and then get it listed on digg It was a raving success, drawing in over a thousand diggs and 14 thousand unique hits just in that weekend. Sites and forums across the internet were also reported to have covered and linked to the story, only spreading the chaos.
On ZU, Capn was unbanned for the 2006 April Fools Day prank, which let him roam wild and incite chaos across the forums. One of his activities for the day was carry over a meme that enjoyed brief popularity on 4chan, and that was the 'PADDLIN' posts, which involved a picture of Jasper Beardly from the Simpsons, holding a paddle, with a caption underneath threatening paddlin's for various actions performed by forum members. (Inspired by episode 2F19 - The PTA Disbands)
Ted Nugent, God of Rock
Ted Nugent is quite possibly one of the greatest men in the history of Rock. However, he had not been to ZU. When Capn discovered Lem's chat password through a mistake he made in the chat, he found out it was the same as his ZU forum password. Months later, in about September or October or so after Lem had been promoted to Super Mod, Capn got into Lem's account and unbanned one of his old accounts and had it renamed to "Ted Nugent." As Ted Nugent, Capn sloppily raided the GCC and Serious Business, while engaging in casual conversation. (As long as it led to lulz) When the mods banned his account, Capn unbanned it, and gave it access to all the clan boards and the hidden staff forums. Lozzie soon discovered Capn snooping around in the staff board and promptly banned him again, declaring that whoever gave Capn access would have their mod powers "revoked immediately." Roughly 15 minutes later, after discovering that usergroup changes are not logged by vBulletin, Lozzie had to go back on his word and say that whoever did the unforgivable act of letting Capn view a few secret topics should come forward and the punishment would be much less severe.
Fellow troll, compatriot and mentor Hindmost was let in on the fun, and the chat was flooded with butchered versions of Lozzie's "REVOKED IMMEDIATELY" quote. Soon after, Hindmost made a startling revelation in the chat room: While Lozzie was visiting Andi, (Hind's fiancee) he had laid down in Andi's bed, which was coated in caked semen from wild messy sex the night before. Of course, Lozzie didn't know this, until it was revealed in the chat to much lulz. Lozzie soon quit, then came back with a ZUChat sockpuppet to spy on #zelda, much to the amusement of the chat who pointed it out the second he joined because everybody knows what a hostmask is.
Capn came back after Lozzie had gone offline under the names "Dykes on Bikes" and "Dykes on Trikes" to post a thread (see right) mocking the staff that he had been in their board. A massive thread sprung up in the staff board, which almost turned into a full-on witch hunt, and for the next day or so none of the staff trusted each other. To make things even worse, Capn was sending updated copies of the thread to Hind and Mess, to start quoting the secret thread in the chat room to make it look as though there was a massive infiltration. Hilarity ensued.
Eventually, Capn got bored of the scenario and came clean, posting with Lem's account about what happened, complete with lulz and epic win. He also alerted Lem, who took the news quite easily, eventually admitting that since Capn didn't inflict actual damage, it was funny. The only person who disagreed with the joke was Lozzie, who threatened to ban Lem because Lem defended Capn for doing what amounted to a harmless prank.
Capn and Hind soon came back under a bunch of sockpuppet accounts on the forums, posting "The Fresh Prince of ZU" all over ZU:
NOW THIS IS A STORY ALL ABOUT HOW MY LIFE GOT FLIPPED TURNED UPSIDE DOWN AND I'D LIKE TO TAKE A MINUTE DON'T GO NOWHERE, JEW I'LL TELL YOU HOW I LOST MY JOB AT A SITE CALLED ZU IN SOME DUMP IN MASSACHUSETTS, BORN AND RAISED ON ZELDA UNIVERSE IS WHERE I SPENT MOST OF MY DAYS BROWSING AND POSTING AND CHATTING ALL COOL ANSWERING A MAILBAG DURING BREAKS AT SCHOOL WHEN A COUPLE OF GUYS, WITH THE RULES THEY IGNORED STARTED MAKING TROUBLE IN MY MESSAGE BOARD ONE LITTLE TROLL AND ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE WHILE I WAS PROMOTED TO WEBMASTER OF THIS ZU I BEGGED AND PLEADED WITH THEM, DAY AFTER DAY BUT THIS KED, HINDMOST AND CAPTAIN CORNFLAKE THEY GAVE ME A HECKLIN' FOLLOWED BY MORE TROLLIN' AND AS THEY RAN AMOK I SAID "I MIGHT AS WELL BAN EM!" BUT IT DIDN'T WORK, YO THIS IS BAD FOR THEY SPRUNG DUPE ACCOUNTS WITH THE PROXIES THEY HAD IS THERE NO WAY TO GET RID OF THEM? HRM, THIS MIGHT NOT BE ALRIGHT! BUT WAIT, THIS GIRL CALLED 'ANDI,' WHO SEEMS COOL AND ALL THAT I THINK ILL DUMP MY GIRLFRIEND AND PAY A VISIT TO GET SOME OF THAT BUT SHE DIDN'T RESPOND, LIKE I WASN'T THERE AND I WASN'T PREPARED, FOR WHAT I FOUND IN MY HAIR! BACK ONLINE I WAS SHOCKED AND IN MY SEAT I FELL BACK 4CHAN HAD ATTACKED, WIPED A WIKI AND FLOODED THE CHAT I SAID "YOU ACT LIKE I'VE NEVER SEEN 4CHANNERS IN ACTION BEFORE" AND WEEPED AND BANNED TIM FOR THE WOMAN HE STOLE I WHISTLED FOR MODS, AND WHEN THEY CAME NEAR THEIR ACCOUNTS WERE HACKED, AND DAMAGE WAS SEVERE IF ANYTHING, I COULD SAY THE CULPRITS WERE TWO: CAPTAIN CORNFLAKE, AND HINDMOST OF ZU! VERY, SOON, EVERYBODY JUST GOT TIRED OF MY SHIT EVERYBODY REVOLTED, AND THAT MUCH WAS A HIT I WAS LAUGHED OUT OF THE CHAT, THAT MUCH WAS TRUE ALL FOR MY FAILINGS AT A FORUM CALLED ZU
Unbanning
While trolling as ExplodingEnema in December 06, Capn was unbanned. Fo realz. Not many noteworthy events happened, aside from random berating of idiots and run-ins with some of the mods and certain members, all of whom he had no problem of publicly berating. He was soon promoted from half-operator status in the #zelda chat room to full op, using his powers to usher in a new age, giving hop powers to trolls and being more relentless with the kickbans.
As things progressed, he grew more disillusioned with his time spent on ZU: He was sickened by the display of faggotry, and the then-current moderating team's obsession with cracking down on people who would expose stupidity, while idiots were allowed to prosper because there were technically no rules against being stupid. Things grew even worse, as he oftentimes found himself having to expose sockpuppets by a less funny breed of trolls who did nothing but fuel the idiocy on the board, rather than attempt to cure it by calling out shitty members like he, Hindmost and their students did. But because these new "wannabe trolls" used dynamic IPs, they were allowed to post to their hearts content until they explicitely broke the rules, because the IP address wasn't exactly the same as their old accounts and there "could be a chance its a genuine new member," with it taking days or even weeks to get these members off the board.
After a particular incident involving a "Spartan_117," who had over a half-dozen active accounts, Capn borrowed Lem's moderator account (who at this point had nearly vanished from ZU, himself) and made a comprehensive doc set of the IP logs of all the sockpuppets of 117, which revealed they were all in the same IP range and resolved to the same location. After PM'ing this doc to multiple moderators, as well as flooding the chat, the accounts still weren't taken care of for another few days. (Gerudo, however, was more than happy to hand out an infraction to Capn for saying that Gerudo's dog "looks tasty" as a joke response to a scrapbook post of his dog.) At this point, he took the advice of Hindmost to "don't do their goddamn jobs for them," sat back with ease, and pointed out failures after they had happened.
The Great Divide
Finally fed up with how far down ZU had gone in terms of community and imcompetant staff, in June 2007, Capn started to secretly organize a revolution of sorts: Him and Starship ZUChat would handpick the best ZU members and migrate to an upcoming Zelda site to be hosted and integrated into VGRC. Development was carried out in total secrecy, with dozens of prospective new members kept updated with the new site, which included existing VGRC members and staff, as well as Leminnes, who would soon abandon his mod position on ZU for this project. Capn himself even turned down a modship consideration in a private chat with one of the ZU staff members. On top of that, the entire Bombers writing team, which was treated without much care on ZU, all packed up and settled down as staff writers for the new site.
In July, out of nowhere, ZeldaInformer was publicly announced and went public, with a massive announcement in ZU's GCC board, accompanied by a dozen other new "I'm outta here, fags" threads by other members who were taking a permanent leave from ZU. Though the mods and wannabe-mods did their best to quell the insurrection (going as far as to label the emigrants as "props" of some "massive troll" by Capn, refusing to believe that people could have genuine complaints about ZU) some of ZU's most enjoyed members have either not been seen since, or have posted extremely rarely.
Coincidentially, the next week ZU's server control panel was bruteforced into (twice!) by members of 420chan's /i/ board, which Capn (as well as VGRC) has strong ties to. Though anti-Capn conspiracists on ZU like to believe that Capn was behind the attacks, in truth he actually had nothing to do with it. (Though he has since met some of the Anons who were involved, he refuses to go public with the knowledge of who they are, claiming that "there are very few things worse than a traitor to Anon." Indeed, when VGRC was later broken into by a former /b/tard, the forces of /i/ found his phone number and where he lived, and proceeded to harass him IRL for weeks.
His only current ties to ZU are the handful of members that bridge both the VGRC and ZU communities, as well as this very Wiki, of which he is a Sysop for and of which ZeldaInformer is not only a part of, but some of whose members also played a strong part in founding this very Wiki when it was initially launched on ZU.
Interests
Favorite games include: Super Metroid, Streets of Rage 2, Donkey Kong Country, Donkey Kong Country 2, Super Mario World, Metroid Prime, the Halo trilogy, and Zelda: A Link to the Past. He admittedly has a love for the 16-bit era of video games.
Favorite bands include Led Zeppelin, Soundgarden, Screaming Trees, Jane's Addiction, Pink Floyd, Kyuss, Queens of the Stone Age, and Ben Harper.
Cool Facts
Listens to a variety of music, such as classic rock, grunge and hard rock.
He lives in the same state as Correk.
Captain's Cock
This cock was the property of the revered Captain Cornflake, and had lived for nearly 2 years.
A Jumbo Cornish X-Rock, this cock, affectionately named "The Rooster," was originally supposed to be killed with the rest of his flock to go in the family freezer. However, The Rooster was one of 3 of these "meat birds" whom had stayed with the family so long they couldn't bear to eat him. While the other two died earlier, The Rooster had grown to a massive 30 pounds, and spent his days chasing after young hens as long as he had the energy to hobble over to them.
Capnmas
Capnmas is a national holiday celebrated every Feb 11th, to mark the birthday of Captain Cornflake. Capnmas is much like Christmas in that it is celebrated by people getting together and having fun, though that is about the only similarity.
Capnmas doesn't require a lot of mindwork. Nor does it require a lot of attention to detail. Because of this, daily routines such as brushing your teeth, going to work, driving the speed limit, following your local gun laws, ect, can be safely ignored. Capnmas celebrators typically start off their day with a hearty breakfast cointaining all the food groups: Whiskey, meat, whiskey, fruit, whiskey, grains and whiskey. Sausage gets cooked in whiskey. Pancakes get cooked in whiskey. Things like oranges get dried out, and then soaked in whiskey. Taste does not matter. The festive Capnmas Whiskey Breakfast requires that as much food as possible includes whiskey in one form or another. If you succeed, you will be Capnized, and ready to enter a full day of celebrations.
The Capnmas Whiskey Breakfast is designed for one main goal: Release all your daily fears. Fear of cops, fear of bodily injury, fear of anything. If one fears something, it will affect the enjoyment factor of the Capnmas celebrations.
Capnmas celebrations are typically put into contests. The first such contest is the exhilerating Capnmas Race, in which participants race to a mall or popular shopping destination. The winner is decided by 2 factors: Who lives, and who makes it to the destination first. Bonus points are awarded for driving in the opposite lane.
The next contest is the Capnmas Looting Challenge, which typically takes place at a mall. Contestants are sent out to loot to a certain goal: Get so many of a certain item, get a certain amount of money, ect. 'Play For Keeps' is a popular rule varient, in which the winner gets to keep everything he/she takes. However, at this point, everyone is too drunk to care. Half the time, the winners don't even know they won, and everybody keeps everything.
This contest is usually followed by the run from the cops/beat up the cops contest (varies depending on the region) The titles are pretty self explanatory. Usually, cops are not out on Capnmas, due to the extreme amount of people that celebrate the holiday. Police are typically overworked, so they just hang around donut shops and avoid the hassle. If this is the case in your area, the 'beat up the cops' contest is held at a local donut shop.
More festivities include the popular 'Steal all your friends liquor,' when one person runs out, and his friend is too drunk to know his stuff is being stolen. (This is a popular event at lots of parties, but it really gets hardcore on Capnmas)
Capnmas ends with the infamous "Capnmas Riots" where drunk celebrators convene in a large public area (such as a mall, movie theater, baseball field, parking garage) and riot. There's no purpose to the riots, other than to destroy stuff. (Similar to FSU Fridays) If the riots have failed to cause more than a few million dollars worth of damage, then you have failed at celebrating Capnmas, so make it count!
Links
The Capn's long-running gaming site. It has been a personal project of his since 2000, but launched it as a real gaming site of his in July 2003.
